Har kisi ko mukkammal jahan nahi milta, kahin pe zameen to kahin aasmaan nahi milta;
Saans lene ko jeena kahe to hum jeete zarur hain, bas har saans me Khuda nahi milta…

Hi to all..
I beg your pardon for the pathetic line that I added to the amazing first line…

U know, sometimes…..sometimes when you make the balance-sheet of ur life, even when the liabilities equal the assests, u feel something major lacks. A void is born…
Today, the same void is born within me and with every minute passing, it grows wider and deeper. I, technically, should not have any reason to feel the blues. I am what I wanted to be. I am what others aspire to be. But, I am not at peace with myself. I even don’t know what is it that’s upsetting my soul or at what time did it all begin…
I have been doubting my cerebral parts even more since I read the article about a girl, around 23, a native of Bangalore, who suffered from this acute ailment (I’ve absolutely forgotten the name). She, at times, would be the most happiest and chirpy, with/without any reason. And the other times, she had to be pulled out of a serious depression by her parents. This became news when this year, on New Year’s Eve, she persisted on going to goa alone to bring in the New Year, and in a fit of over-happiness died of over consumption of drugs…
Though mine is not that extreme a case, still I feel that I am inching towards it with every day passing. I don’t know. Sometimes, a certain situation that made me happy would, at some other time, infuriate me. This happens with me a lot!!! Seems like people don’t interest me for long. I knew very well that I m not a people’s person. But that I am this big an escapist, I dint know. I find it sad, but not surprising.
Many times I think of dying a graceful death. But then, the notion of it brings goosebumps to me. And then, if I read a book that’s based on a theme like “Death-the ultimate and the only truth of life”, I see it in an altogether different light. I believe that I would die peacefully and that I would accept with open arms.
My idea wasn’t to write anything about dying or death. Sorry. The point was, my mind catches a gamut of frequencies, all as different from each other as Obama and Bush. And some are deadly too. And…this leaves me acting impulsively to situations that required utter calmness and maturity to be handled. Because then, everything comes down to a very micro level. To me, what all is visible is just the fact that the other person has made me extremely happy/ sad and now, he/she is a friend/foe for life.
What can be a better example of my insanity than the fact that as I have come to the end of this post, my mood has swayed from VERY negative to VERy negative to VEry negative to Very negative to negative to just normal…..
God help me…

For the first time, I don’t want to let the mystery remain…