Yet another Outburst

I wish I sleep tonight and never wake up again, never see the Sun again, take the memories of this dark sans-moon night in my eyes and close them forever...
I wish I never see anyone of the people-with whom I've shared my life of 20 yrs.-again. I am just so sick. So tired. So exhausted. So spent.
Rational thinking has given way and now I only wish I had never lived that day, when the truth was revealed, when my beliefs shattered. When i felt like an orphan.

Yes. I could never rise above that fact. And i could not even live with it. So, i chose the mid-way. I chose to hate those very people who, once upon a time & for the most part of my life, were my life.

It was difficult, ask me. But i was determined not to get hurt by anyone after that one incident. I kept my stride. I always won. I would hurt people, so they wouldn't, couldn't, hurt me back. But, i was only a loser. War has no victors. My soul would die, daily...a part of it.

I would sneer at my people- at their agony, at my victory- victory over something certainly unknown. But when i woke up, when- for a second- I saw the world around me without the glasses of hatred on, I saw my own people- agonized, pained, suffering.

I realized what i had done was not to them, but to my own mortal self. As it is, life is never an exam where u could cut out the whole answer attempted wrongly and make a fresh beginning. It is about life. If i do it wrong, it is wrong forever.

I wish i dont wake up tomorrow, or any morrow for that matter...

ek ghaav tha, jo bhar gaya...ek nishaan hai, jo reh gaya.

He and I were completely engrossed in each other, only, he was 50 kms. away and I was on the middle of a road, trying to cross it to reach the station that would take me to him.
As i put a step forward, my heart and mind still with him, my knee jerked and the first step I took brought me down, right on my knees.
It was a wound. But, with my heart and mind still with him, I knew nothing could possibly go wrong. That that was nothing.
Though afterwards, he did tell me how awful the wound was and that i must tend to it.
But i, being myself, ignored it out of the fear of ignoring him.
Now i realize. I did not have my eyes on the path that i had chosen & so, I got hurt-right at the place where it hurt the most.

Now, though the wound has healed, the scar remains. And THIS is everything I have of him...of us.

Forgotten

Closing my eyes, I force a beautiful scene to play and replay before them;
The scene that had u and me, that had love and passion
But my eyes open, to a horrible today, when u are gone;
When I realize I am without u alive, alone and
FORGOTTEN…

With you, summers were sunny, now they sweat
With you, rains meant passion, now they are only wet
With you, winters were a hot cup of coffee, now they are cold.
With you, I was one in a million, now…just another in a million..
FORGOTTEN…

You have chosen your path; I shall trudge alone, on my own.
But your memories, them shall I cherish dawn after every dawn…

When i was my daddy's lil girl...

Walking down the memory lane, I see a young girl, anticipation brimming her two big eyes as the clock showed 5:30 in the evening, the time when she would hear her papa's footsteps trudging urgently up the stairs.
Putting all her homework aside, proud of completing it in scheduled time yet again, she searched for a new place to hide in their small home.
She played the whole sequence of actions in her mind again & again and laughed and clapped happily to herself.
She loved her papa. This love was different. She thought if there was one person who could be perfect, it was him.If he said something, it was more of a psalm than a statement. She adored him since when she did not even know what “to adore” meant.

Then…she grew up.

Now, when he, as usual, returned from work at 5:30, a couple of things had changed. Firstly, a new fancy and huge apartment took p[lace of their relatively poor home and secondly, she knew what “to adore” meant and certainly had changed preferences.
Life was its mechanical self where human emotions do not lubricate the wagon to move forward but only increase friction to develop heat among relationships.
This small girl, now big, was me.

And then came one day when my mother’s friend, with her 8 month old girlie, visited us.
It poured heavily and God was in no mood to relent his decision for the less privileged.
The baby grew restless as the minutes converted into hours and she still had no sight of her father.

Then, fighting the winds and the water, he arrived. That was the moment when I bade them goodbye that made me ponder- When did I grow up?? Why did I grow up??

We waited outside our apartment for him to arrive. At the first sight of his, she threw an electric smile. And when they, her mother holding her, sat pillion to her father, she grew so ecstatic that she jumped on her lil space that she stood on and beat his helmet while chuckling a perfect baby laugh.

All he had to do was take her in his arms and she clung on to him as if making up for the time when she missed him and he wasn’t there…

I saw all this & could think of only one thing while their vehicle paced out of my vision- What if she grows up and realizes that she WAS once her daddy’s lil girl…??

The thought left a vacuum in me...

Khulaasaa...the first-hand experience

Hey all!

As usual, my absence has been prolonged. Anyways, without much a-do, I switch to the main point…

It had rained throughout the previous night and it seemed that the Gods had no plan to alter their plan. So, with my lungs full of fresh, moist Monday morning air, I somehow succeeded to cajole my father to drop me to the bus-stop. Oh, by the way, I work as a summer intern with MoserBaer (naam to suna hi hoga…!). So, waiting for the chartered bus to arrive, I opened my latest novel, the color purple, and started from the first page. I mustn’t have read more than 6 pages when the bus arrived. Feeling an adrenalin rush on seeing the bus after 4 strange days felt even stranger and abruptly, I promised myself to have a successful and a work-loaded day. But sometimes, your resolves stand sterile in front of other men’s vice. I had heard a fleeting talk about “Desh Band” today… but never had the thought struck that it would affect me and I would find myself cursing the whole system vehemently.

We boarded the bus as usual, got ourselves a seat (reserved for ‘ladies’) and I resumed my reading. We had hardly gone 3 kms that I saw unusual activity going on right in the middle of the busiest crossing of that national highway. It was the political party activists. At first, I could only see a lady, clad simply in a worn-out saree, carrying the party’s orange and green lotus flag in one hand and a 2 ltr plastic bottle of a soft drink filled with some wine-colored liquid in the other. Till then, the gravity of the situation hadn’t hit me. And since the weather was favorable and the air was soothingly cool, I dint bother myself too. Suddenly, I saw a man rushing towards our bus as it was put to a sudden halt. He was swearing at the driver and was gesturing putting a match to the bus if we dint vacate it. I was still composed coz till everything remained verbal, I was OK, I thought. But the scene got worse when they deflated the tyres of the bus and set some more tyres on fire, right in the middle, on the very crossing where the lady has first stood. There was a gang of atleast 20-25 people who were shouting out loudly and making sure no public transport shall pass through that crossing.

We were advised to take a U-turn and head back home, ofcourse on-foot. When I say “we”, I mean the girls in the bus. The very next minute, we saw ourselves marching over the flyover in a queue, like ants. At that moment, the water coagulated on the sides where we walked and made the route back home even more dreadful. My delicate slippers dint know what lay ahead, later in the day and I know, they were the worst sufferers. We vented throughout. We cursed the system. Atleast I did. This wasn’t really the idea of an educated common man to present his demands. But then, not everyone can refuse to get paid for the daily bread without having to earn it though a day’s hard-work, but a slice of violence.

It is surprisingly sad how the damned people carry out such obscene jobs at the name of “public welfare”, at the very expense of that very common public, the aam aadmi.

Hibernated

Hi to all!!!
No excuses to be heard or produced, no fallacy accepted! My absence from what I call my “heart n soul” has been disappointing and uncalled for.
Yet, I guess it took some time to get over a bad phase, to come full circle. All for good!! J
Kalaakaar ki koi kadra hi nahi hai… TRUE!!!
Just now I have been ushered out of my room, that I share with my pokey brother. The reason was simple to understand but difficult to comprehend. He could not sleep when I was busy writing. The sound of punching keys on the keyboard disturbed him. And then the next thing I saw was my father, looking much older due to such petty arguments, entering the room. I could tell he looked old. The light casted a submissive portrait of a man, shoulders slumped, forehead creased. At that time, I knew I didn’t want to be a misery to him. So without much further arguments, I decided to still pursue what I should have been doing regularly, compromising the air-conditioned room and my cozy bed.
Anyhow, since I last posted something here, there have been numerous changes, mostly for good, happening at me end. Take for example- my, otherwise strict-regimed family- the one to follow “Early to bed, early to rise” principle- granted my earnest request and took me to “Bangla Sahib Gurudwara” as early as 6 in the morning. Ofcourse, we had never done such an “outing” before and for them, it was no less than crazy. But I fancied it. I loved it more than I fancied it. I admired it more than I loved it. It was a déjà vu feeling to me. Like at “Darbar Sahib”, Amritsar. I wish I the sun never came up as harsh as it was then, and I could hang around the place whole day long. It was soothing. It was comforting.
And then the scariest thing happened. The E.X.A.M.S., of course!!!Those who know me right know that I am not a person to be deterred by such (mis)happenings. However, these developments do change your regime and suddenly you see yourself out of thecomfortable bubble which had held you for long. You go helter-skelter, collecting last minute notes, taking all “daadi maa k nuskhe” to enhance your memory level. Suddenly, the household budget goes up as the coffee jar has to be replenished every other night. You become the resident of a third-world country where no movies are screened, people don’t party. The facebook status messages only reinforce the plight of the agonized students. Some swear on the subject and its originator, while others settle for the teacher teaching the same.
But, soon, they pass. So did mine. The moment came very late that I realized that I am relieved off the burden of projects, assignments and exams for more than a couple of months! Of late, I have been planning grandly to spend my summers in an unusual way, the “learning” way. But now, all I want is- sleep, food, friends, hills, more food, more sleep, more hang outs and as usual, more trips…
They realization of my freedom came by the way of a family dinner. It had long been anticipated but couldn’t be materialized coz of some prior commitment or such. I knew I was sleep-deprived. I knew I had to mind my ways. But once there, I let it go. They are the people I belong with. My sis-in-law (how I hate that word!!! If I had it my way, I’d rather call her my sis) and I are almost on the same wavelength when it comes to thoughts and ideas. And my sis, no word in the world can explain what a darling she is. U know u can’t expect a 22 year old to be so naïve, so pure at heart. I feel stupid and sad when I think of all the time that we both couldn’t be as good sisters. But now that we are, I think we really gel along very well.
So, my sis-in-law and I share the same zest for literature and nature (whoo! That rhymed). U maroon the two of us in a room full of books and a sumptuous supply of food to last us days and weeks, and u’llfind us healthy as horse even after an eternity. We talk about just anything and everything under the sun. I never knew I could confide in her. Its her birthday today…
Happy Birthday, Bhabi!! May God Bless You with all that you want and deserve!!! J
And so, when our talks never seem to cease, my sis calls it the “Chipmunk Transactions”. Lol!! This proximity to them makes me wonder- when we were a joint family, we were never together. Now that we are separated, we vouch for togetherness… Strange!
Each day teaches you one thing or the other…for me, the process of learning just never ends…Like there is too much to learn in such short span. Like I never knew in case of emergency, if u get trapped inside your car, u just have to push the windscreen with your feet with all your force and it’ll come off. Aaj ka lesson.
OK! So, the final word is that the blogger in me has come out of hibernation and now, it’s the full moon time for blogging!
Hoping for eventful summers ahead!!!

Life is an endless wait...

Life is an endless wait...

Wait to be born, wait to have the first tooth.

Wait to be a teenager, Wait to pass out of school.

Wait for the first best friend, wait for first crush.

Wait for the first cycle, Wait for that first adrenalin rush.

Wait to earn that first cheque, Wait for the first night out.

Wait to get your own room, wait to laugh out loud.

Wait to have someone you commit your life to.

Wait to take on the responsibility of u two.

Wait to drop ur kids to school on Day-1, wait to see them grow.

Wait to celebrate ur teen's birthday, with a raised brow.

Life moves fast. Time even faster...

All these years, u've strived to make it only better.

Watever it be, don't let urself wait too much,

Cz life's pleasures come uninvited, remember, as such...